What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
