It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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