I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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