I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
