We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
