I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
