The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
