Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
