I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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