I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
