you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
