My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
