i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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