How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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