He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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