This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
