Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
