i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize