i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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