I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
