Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
