a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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