This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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