just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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