Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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