I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
