Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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