We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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