I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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