i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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