just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
