What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
