The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
why do cheetos always look like penises
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
