dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
