Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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