this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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