im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
