The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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