My Higher Power is John Stamos
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
