u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize