The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
