During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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