Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
my shit smells like andre
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
