Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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