Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
