I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
