my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
