I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
