I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize