dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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