if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
