is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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