she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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