you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
