I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
