Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
