The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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