I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
