Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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