If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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