I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
